Over the last little while, I’ve come to realize that I am passionate about everything I take an interest in-sometimes very much so- which is good when I’m focused and settled, because I can turn into a bit of a juggernaut in the room- hence my nerd past of debate team captain, champion chess player without studying the classic books and calculations on the game, science club, that sort of thing.

  I’ve had a knack for recognizing patterns, to connect unassociated things that share certain traits or ideas/concepts and let those ideas loose with my superactive scatterbrain, and the see where that takes me. A fuel of my thoughts when I take the time to shut up and listen.  It’s great when it’s all working towards the same end result, but when its not the comparison is something like a Porsche engine and Dad’s old Ford LTD on a cloudy day when the load on my mind is too heavy. 

  Then you add the fuzzy stuff; the squishy, gooey emotional side many of us are hesitant to express in any way, much less verbally.  And when we do, I think a lot of us do it poorly.  Males especially, and I’m feeling that’s an unfortunate error that’s been perpetrated on our collective society over a very long time in small doses, here and there, through no ill will but rather a combination of more factors than I can express.  More on that another time, too perhaps.

My thoughts, my experiences and my beliefs seem to be pushing me to do something that leaves me more satisfied, with tangible results that can be seen and shared, and I’m finding themes in those.  My doctor has told me I score high for ADD/ADHD. 

  I’m not entirely sure what to make of that, yet, because for a long time I discounted such things as mental health, mental awareness.  Like so many others I know, I might have paid attention peripherally, but not in depth, brushing them off for a lot of reasons including simple ignorance or just being raised to “suck it up, Buttercup” or “walk it off”, but also because I don’t necessarily feel as though our modern society in general is doing a great job at it and could do so much better.  And of course I have ideas about that. Not now, reader, another time.

But I’m slogging through it, toughing out the hard bits which feel like they’re maybe getting easier with these new medications, organizing those thoughts and emotions and studying them in the quieter moments from a different perspective, personally and objectively.   Is it ADD/ADHD?  Is it something else? Is it something like that, but “we” just haven’t quite figured it out yet?

  I think this what I’ll start with.  Mental Health.  Mine has been a roller coaster, and as I’m figuring it out, so to speak, I want to be better.  More productive.  A positive benefit to my friends, coworkers, neighbors, my community. 

  I want to help, somehow; another thing I’ve come to realize is that for all the talk, the pamphlets, the flowery speeches from the Directors, the Wardens, what have you, is that for first responders, for vets, access to any kind of lasting, reasonably accessible mental health, and the general outcomes from that, are poor at best, and the personality traits that show up most in First Responders often don’t make it easy for us to seek out help.  When we do find it, likely it is from a peer, someone who “gets it” or has “been there, done that” just like you.  So I’ll try and sort out enough of what has helped me to share, and maybe give some back for those that have helped me.

  As a Canadian Corrections Officer for 14 years, I’ve been immersed in what is often described as a toxic environment. Toxic workplace.  High rates of alcohol and substance abuse, domestic violence, divorce, suicide.  8 to 16 hours per shift (or more, let’s not joke here) of hypervigilance, that base thread of the chance of physical dangers or medical emergencies, the anticipation of the horrible  things that could or are likely to happen at any moment (because we’ve seen them, probably been in them) and the constant state of readiness and preparation that requires, takes a constant toll on officers.  On police. Firemen. EMTS and Paramedics, SAR, all of us. And we are all broken or breaking in one way or another.

Here’s something I’ve been doing more of lately that has helped me, among other things including the people in my life that have remained constant, to give me the strength and confidence to return to work after a long absence.  I hope it offers a bit of hope to someone else.

   Some time, the next time you find yourself smiling ABOUT something, stop for a second and try thinking for a little bit about WHY you are smiling.  What feels so good, and why is that?  Take that answer and examine it, keep looking a bit deeper as you go.  It might feel like forever, but if you look at the clock after you might be surprised how little time it took, and that those few minutes cost you nothing, in the end.  The payoff is slower than a drink or a hoot or a puff, but so much better.

  For example, I take a step outside to the back yard and look around me.  A few clouds, otherwise nice blue sky.  The Sun is coming up, so its getting a bit warmer; I close my eyes and tilt my head up a bit and listen.  I can pick out the songs and calls of half a dozen different bird species raiding the feeder.  I don’t know what they are, maybe, but they sound nice- light, cheery, happy.  Comfortable with the world. Maybe I’ll look that up later.

  Right away I can feel the warmth of sunlight on my cheek, forehead, nose and chin as the Sun has come. It’s what I recall when I see or hear the term “radiant heat”- the technical term I understand and appreciate in all its hard, academic definition, and it makes me happy because that feeling of sun, that flush of heat traveling across the surface of my skin while the same heat from that Sun, that deadly ball of nuclear catastrophe that feeds all of us (see, there’s some of those rabbit holes- Astronomy, space travel, civilization past, present and future, aliens!?!?!”, and what was that movie?- wanna check one out?  Later, maybe) on this rock, seeps gently but steadily through the flesh, soaking into bones that are glad for the relief.  And I know why my faithful dog, Ellie, likes that so much.

  And in my head, I see them, some of the threads that stretch from one thing to another, connecting everything, all different but part of the whole, the sum of those parts, the balance between cold, hard, technology and the natural world, the interplay of our physical selves and whatever it is that makes us “us”, and I just feel better. Aware. Present. More mindful, noticing the details and appreciate them for what they are, warts and all.

  And I breathe. Open my eyes and look for what I’ve heard, or noticed.  Maybe 5 minutes have gone by, but that 5 minutes, for me, today, was worth every second and then some.  I feel aware of more around me without having to see it, and that awareness helps with the anxiety; those happy thoughts and pleasant emotions lift some of the fog of depression; makes it easier to bring that memory back when we need it.

The more often we can do things like that, I think, helps us want to feel that way more, deep down in our lizard brains, and we start adding more moments like that without having to struggle for it so hard. And after a bit, things might be a bit brighter.  Don’t give up, find a way.  You are not alone. Someone is looking for and out for you. Find them, you can. Cheers.