That thought has run through my head so many times that I believed it.

I Will NEVER Step Foot in There Again… how many times did I say it, and to whom, and meant it EVERY TIME?

Today I proved both wrong.

Today was a good day, in a place I did not expect to ever be able to have a good day AT again, with people who I hadn’t spoken to in months at least, and had been unsure if I ever would again.

But I will say this. I’ve been fighting demons; more than one, and some for a long time; I think we all do in our own individual ways. Some have been born in Corrections, some not. Some long before. And then COVID came. And stuff happened. I get it, I do. And I don’t blame anyone; in the state I was in then I’d have done the same.

My reasons for being put on leave began the same as everyone else, but did change for varied and different reasons over the past 2 years I’ve been out of the institution. More so than I knew, or maybe was aware of, until the morning of November 15, 2021.

At 0630hrs on that date I bore the embarrassment and humiliation of reporting for duty as per my schedule as I had last been made aware of in a uniform that because of my weight loss was baggy; sloppy to the point of being a trip hazard, to a post I hadn’t set foot in for 20 months.

They knew about the weight loss, and that I had no uniform, no stab vest. They knew about my demons, some of them at least, and I had informed them of some of my mental health concerns months prior; the last contact before that day was an email from them with instructions for testing when I reported for duty, and my leave options as of Monday November 15. No other instructions. Not even a time to report for work. Sent on Friday afternoon. Sound familiar?

I still cannot sort out to my satisfaction how those managers, with all their experience, all their professional and personal knowledge of me over 14 years; and all that gentle ways and harassment training WE get, that THEY get and HAVE HAD likely on multiple occasions, could have arranged all that except through intent or incompetence. I am open to alternative suggestions.

Since then, there’s been a lot, a lot has happened, a lot of things have or are changing, for me and about me, and I’m admittedly sorting things out as I go, but I am trying. I have not given up, not yet, my old spirit returning bit by bit, because I’m a lucky, lucky man.

Lucky (and thankfully blessed) in having a friend that I shall solemnly call brother until the end to yell at me “Why did you go down there alone? Stop doing that! Because you’re not alone!” in the middle of yet another shuddering crisis on yet another of my “rough” or shaky days. But something stuck; I can’t say what it was, but it was enough.

Enough strength, a bit of resolve, to take a step. That strength lent itself to the next step. That led to the next, and another, and so on, until today. And I can see at least the possibility of a path forward where I used to see none.

Today was a good day. Because, it turned out, I was NOT alone. Today I realized that more than ever, and so should you. And I can go back. So can you, if any of you are wondering and feeling alone.